Dec. 10th 1998
Things that are on my mind:
- the divorce
- work
- the new apt.
- Charlie's party and whether or not i should go
- my weight / I gotta keep eating if I can
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the divorce takes up 90% of my time and energy. She has completely shut down and now won't talk to me outside of arbitration. I think that means deep down she's unsure of what she's doing. She knows in her heart that we could still have a chance and she's absolutely terrified that if she keeps talking to me I'll be able to convince show her that love is still there and she'll realize she's making the biggest mistake of her life.
My work has suffered but James has been pretty understanding. I'm behind on a ton of stuff and I honestly don't know how I'm going to dig myself out. The backend template is complete shit (I think the whole thing is stupid to be honest) and as it stands right now there's no way we're going to be able to port over the database without it being a complete cluster f*ck. I gotta get my head back into it and I could use the distraction. I just keep coming back to all the Maggie stuff.
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I'm going to buy a gun. I swore I'd never own one but this neighborhood is too dangerous. I've never shot a pistol before so maybe I should take lessons. Statistically I'm more likely to hurt myself with the gun right now, so I think that if I'm going to get one I need to do it right.
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I haven't decided on the party. Maggie is definitely going to be there and part of me wants to go just to say f*ck YOU. I don't know why she would get to go and be with our friends, but I'm supposed to stay home. I'm seeing charlie tomorrow night for drinks so I guess I'll talk to him and see what he thinks I should do.
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Today I had some peanuts from the vending machine. Couldn't keep down anything else.
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Dec. 11th 1998
Going to meet charlie at Wild Rover tonight. I'm actually looking forward to getting out of my apartment. I'm not going to make it a late night because I have arbitration tomorrow and I don't want to be hungover for that. I asked my lawyer if there are any options I have to try and push off the divorce and propose a trial separation. I figure there has to be some middle ground we could take. But he told me her lawyers weren't budging which kills me but I can't say is too surprising. Every single thing she did was impulsive and given no thought. Maggie refused to do things step by step and the whole relationship was me trying to slow the train down before it went off the rails. Well, she has to be there tomorrow for the mediation so she's going to hear what I have to say whether or not she wants to.
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Dec 12 (in the AM)
I had to stay and talk to the police tonight so I am home way later than I wanted to be. A lunatic jumped off the roof of the pub and died. He had talked to Charlie and I and was telling us about the afterlife and other pretty intense stuff that rattled me if I'm being honest. The only thing I said to him was that I didn't believe in the afterlife and that seemed to get to him. He looks me right in the eye and says something to the effect of "if you don't believe me then, I'm gonna show you" and "it's your lucky day!" then he walks out. The bartender is confused, so are Charlie and I. Then WHAM! through the big windows at the front of the bar we see him hit the cement. I'm going to try and get some sleep. I had a few handfulls of cheerios today.
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Dec 12th 1998
There's no hope. Today I saw a grown adult - someone who told me they loved me - completely ignore me. It was such a childish, vindictive, petty thing to do. I'm ready to go nuclear if she wants that. She showed me who she truly was today and that person is ugly and has no more love. When you love someone and tell them you're going to love them forever then you have to mean it. That's what it means to take a sacred oath. If I'm being honest, I've noticed more and more that people around me lack integrity. Even my friends are starting to disgust me now. I forgot to write this last night but Charlie told me not to come to the party. My lawyer is a schmuck. The whole process is rigged to make me look bad and make Mag look good and the judge is buying into it. I guess I have to hand it to her: she's a perfect liar.
I still have that guy's face in my head. Last night was one big long nightmare of him jumping off the roof over and over and over each time I'd hear him hit the sidewalk THUD THUD THUD all night the sound was pounding on my brain. I don't have a lot of nightmares. If I'm being honest I don't usually remember my dreams, though, now that I think about it, I always just assumed I had them and forgot them, but who knows? Maybe I just don't dream much. I didn't have time to eat today. Work was actually good today and my staff has really been helping me out by picking up the slack. I got a call from a recruiter today, seems like a big internet start up. I'm interested but I don't know if I can handle that big of a jump right now. I've been at this job for over a decade and the thought of starting over - especially now - just seems too overwhelming. Plus James has had my back through this whole thing and I couldn't leave him in the middle of this project. Still I guess it won't hurt to submit my resume and do the interview.
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Dec 13th 1998
I'm going to look for a gun today. Last night at around 2:30am I think I heard someone trying to break in. There was this scraping and I think that he tried it last night too because there was also a light banging on my bedroom wall and I think that must've been the "thuds" I heard in my dream. I checked the hallway outside and I didn't see any damage, so I'm not sure what they were trying to accomplish.
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Dec 14th 1998
Now I am sure that there are weird sounds happening at night. I set up a tape recorder and got this:
(audio)
I didn't end up buying a gun yesterday but I don't think I have a choice now. Had some rice but couldn't finish it
I'm mad at everything around me, honestly. I was pushed out of a life I was building with someone that loved me, or so I thought. I don't know how to deal with my anger because I'm not usually an angry person. It's something else new that I'm dealing with just like all the other new things: my apartment, my relationship ending, my life completely changing. It's all piling up on me and the only thing I can really think is that I'm going to be able to handle it all, but I can't with 100% certainty know that for sure. And the things I was sure about all blew up in my face.
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Dec 15th 1998
​Something undeniable happened last night and I have no explanation for it. It defies common sense and if I didn't have audio proof I would think that I've gone insane. Last night at 2:30am I spoke to the man who jumped off the Wild Rover. I heard him through my wall and at first I obviously thought it was a burgler in the hallway. So I grabbed the gun and ran outside to confront the person, but there was no one there. I was able to get a little of our conversation:
(audio)
I don't know why but I wasn't scared. He wasn't threatening, if anything he was happy to show me I was wrong. It had taken him a bit but he was able to communicate and give me the proof that I needed that an afterlife existed, just like he'd promised. I told him about the divorce and other stuff in my life, stuff that I had been having a hard time adjusting to. He listened and then told me that from his (dead) perspective I was someone who never wanted to take the next step. Maggie had to push me to do everything: to move in with her, to get married. Me denying the afterlife was just one more way for me to try and cling to this life because I was afraid to move on. He's was right and I knew it. So I think it's time for me to jump first without thinking. That's what Maggie always wanted me to do and I'm going to show her I can be that person. Charlie's party is tomorrow and I want everyone to see that Im not afraid to move on.
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